The cybersecurity community wants to radically overhaul how the malicious threat actors are named. Calling them various types of “shits” is supposed to strip away the perceived glamour of cybercriminal life and deter youth crime.
All current naming schemes used by security companies, big tech companies, and even threat actors themselves, sound too exotic, cool, and menacing.
Instead of bears, blizzards, pandas, or spiders, hackers should be called craps, poops, droppings, ploppers, and other blasts.
That’s according to the new advisory by the CISA and the FBI. Both acronyms stand for Coffee-Infused Self-proclaimed Amateurs (CISA) and Flushing and Bowel Incidents (FBI). Any similarities with government organizations should be considered purely coincidental.
CISA hopes its new threat actor naming convention sticks.
“We’ve noticed a disturbing trend of young people being attracted to cybercrime partially because groups have these powerful-sounding names like ‘Cozy Bear’ or ‘BlackCat,’" Niamh Ancell, junior table fussball assistant at the FBI, might not have said that at any point.
“Our research shows that nobody would want to join something called ‘Hershey Squirts’ or ‘Black Diarrhea.'”
In a joint advisory, which Cybernews was exclusively granted privileged access to review prior to its public dissemination, the self-proclaimed experts have meticulously compiled an exhaustive compendium of current threat actor designations, each paired with particularly unflattering scatological references carefully calibrated to reflect each malicious group’s toilet tactics, techniques, and procedures (TTPs).
While the implementation is not mandatory for private sector cybersecurity firms, media outlets, or even any government agencies, CISA would consider it “a tremendous blessing and an act of digital hygiene” should anyone voluntarily adopt these designations in their reporting and communications.
“Why should we dignify these criminals with names like ‘Fancy Bear’ when ‘Moscow Manure’ is more accurate?” ranted Ernestas Naprys, a passionate zero-sugar energy drinks consumer who voluntarily contributed this opinion despite nobody asking.
“Our psychological profiling indicates that potential recruits are 67% less likely to join a gang when it's referred to as ‘Basement Bowel Movement’ rather than ‘Dark Overlord.’"
The proposed rulemaking was met with some criticism. Some experts questioned whether the new naming convention is professional, even calling it infantile.
“Attacking hospitals, causing billions in damages, and thinking you're a vigilante? That's the real childishness,” we confidently attributed to Jurgita Lapienyte, Chief Table Sanitation Officer and Unofficial Food Police, who remains unaware of this statement.
Noxious Smell Analysts (NSA) expressed strong support for the initiative, saying that “criminals aren't sophisticated ‘wizards’ or ‘pandas’ – they're digital diarrhea across our networks.”
Cybernews did not even consider emailing any inquiries to cybercrime cartels for a reaction, including “Feline Feces,” former BlackCat operators, and others, who might be furious to find out their new names.
“IS THIS A JOKE? WHO THE F**K DO THESE CYBERSECURITY CLOWNS THINK THEY ARE?!!!! The only sh*t is what we’re about to dump on this webpage,” that's how we imagine ransomware gangs answering us.
Here is the advanced persistent threats (APT) name conversion chart, which might not be updated despite new “craps” emerging all the time.
- APT28 (Fancy Bear) → Moscow Manure
- APT29 (Cozy Bear) → Siberian Skidmarks
- APT41 (Brass Typhoon) → Bowel Blowout
- Lapsus$ → Leaky Pipes$
- Lazarus Group → Kimchi splash
- BlackCat (ALPHV) → Feline Feces
- Conti → Constipation brick
- Play → Explosive spray
- Akira → Splat Attack
- BlackMatter → BlackMatter
- LockBit → LatrineLatch
- RansomHub → Brown Bazaar
- Black Basta → Black Excrementers
- Cl0p → Plop Drop
- Medusa → AssTenticle Terror
- Sandworm → Steppe Stool
- DarkSide → Pipeline Poop
- BlackSuit → Corpo Fecal Matter
- REvil → Rectal Residue
- FIN7 → Fecal Flow
- Volt Typhoon → Static Effluence
- Vice Society → Challenging Poo
- Scattered Spider → Web-based Waste
- Mustang Panda → Bamboo Bowel Movement
- StormCrow → Cloaca Output
- Evil Corp → Brown Markers
- Nobelium → Poop Escalation
- FIN12 → Dozen Turds
- Hunters → Excrementers
Federal directives, industry partnerships, and public awareness campaigns will combine to ignore the new nomenclature.
Disclaimer: This article is a complete joke, written for April Fools’ Day – if you believed even a second of it, consider upgrading your cybersecurity awareness training.
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