The latest Apple event was the most geriatric yet, and I never felt so old

Man, you’re falling apart. Sounds are fading, and what are those noises your heart makes? Don’t wander too far, you’ll get lost. But don’t worry! Apple devices will help you hold yourself together until the inevitable catches up.

Tech was supposed to be exciting and cool. However, at nearly 39, I never felt so old as when watching the last Apple Event. More than ever, it felt like an ad for a hospice rather than for new exciting devices.

Elevator music is playing, interlaced with the sounds of the heart beating. Friendly staff are slowly pronouncing buzzwords, hypnotizing with “truly incredible,” “meaningful difference,” “biggest leap ever.” The slow-moving shots cause no stress, present no surprises, nor excitement. But it is beautiful, like the view from the window to a park you would expect in an elderly care institution.

“Apple Watch keeps you healthy, active, and connected,” caregiver Tim Cook says in one of the opening statements.

Then they introduce the innovations. They start with AirPods Pro 3, which will help with my hearing loss.

“The world’s first end-to-end hearing health experience,” Cook announces.

“It’s extraordinary that the world’s leading headphones can also make such a meaningful difference to those facing hearing challenges."

Okay, I guess, maybe it’s just one of the features that are really useful for many people, but I shouldn’t take it too personally. There will be a time when I might need it.

It gets better. The Apple Watch 11 boasts amazing new heart health and sleep features.

“What I really love about Apple Watch is how it alerts millions of people to potentially serious health issues and helps save so many lives.”

Good heavens. I’m constantly reminded that I’m slowly dying. These heart hypertension alerts will help me last a bit longer. If I wander too far, satellites will find me. Just a few taps, and emergency teams will collect me from the woods.

There’s only one problem. My girlfriend’s Apple Watch from last year (I don’t remember which model number it is – I'm losing my memory, too) needs charging every night, and it seems it won’t change much. Instead of getting sleep tracking or sleep apnea alerts, she just charges it. She hates it. I would hate it. The device can only save your life when you’re near the charger.

I am a heavy smartwatch and Apple user, yet I still wasn’t stimulated enough to buy the new and better Apple Watch. My old Garmin doesn’t discharge in 24 or even 48 hours. I can wear it for over a week, and it’s had a sleep score feature for ages.

But wait, your Apple Buddy will motivate you along the way as you train, announcing new records and awards.

No, buddy, I don’t want to be motivated for every step I take toward a fridge. I want a companion who’s honest and tells me the truth, the way it is. Garmin says I suck at running. That’s my motivation. Give me raw data and exact estimates, and then we can talk.

I worry that next year, Apple Watch will get an even bigger screen. It will beep with every heartbeat, congratulating you on the accomplishment of grimly hanging onto life. Instead of connecting to the charger, it will have wires to connect to the user, slowly transforming into a vital signs monitor.

And then came the time for the iPhone 17. My mood was set, and I couldn’t hear anything else but the constant reminders of the inevitable judgment day.

Larger screen: “You can see more.”

Sure, 3000 nits are impressive and will help the light to breach through those pesky cataracts.

No need for your calloused fingers to fiddle with tiny SIM cards anymore.

Don’t worry – it is so durable that you can drop it. We know how it is, grandpops. But anyway, consider Apple Care.

Your hands are getting weaker, so there’s a lighter, slimmer device. You will be relieved to find that you no longer need to rotate the device to take landscape selfies.

What is this? A crossbody strap to carry your phone like a fanny pack? Just put little wheels on it already so we can roll our iPhones around like luggage. Even better, attach a pole so I can hang my IVs.

And can we get Siri to automatically detect kids and shout, “Get off my lawn“?

I get it. You just follow the money. Who would you rather target, a 1.3 billion-strong mass of hypertensives, or a thinning herd of youngsters living with parents, with no jobs or prospects, who are competing with AI?

All irony aside, I really appreciate all the improvements Apple is making. Its focus just reflects the current demographic situation in the West. I am not getting younger, nor is society, and ultimately, we will need all the help we can get. It’s just that not everyone likes it when they are explicitly reminded of the situation.

Innovations were more exciting in the past, and they created the most capable devices we’ve ever had, which can improve many aspects of our lives. Now, our devices evolve, get better, and shift towards catering to the consumers who are slowly descending down the population pyramid.

And Apple did still announce some things to get excited about, like the Live Translation feature and updated hardware. Will that make me update my second-generation AirPods, iPhone 15 Pro Max, or MacBook? Not yet. We still have plenty of life left.

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