How online dating makes real intimacy impossible

Technology, dating apps, and having direct access to everyone you’ve ever slept with are making real intimacy almost impossible. But one woman is trying to counter that.

Dating is a bitch.

That could just be the end of the article, but I won’t stop here.

I have found myself caught up in a range of situations that are, for want of a better word, chaotic.

When my five-year relationship ended, I vowed never to sign up for dating apps. However, after a few beers and a bit of persuasion, I downloaded Tinder and started curating my profile.

From then on, it’s been miserable.

After getting blocked twice and being led to believe that one of my matches had turned into an actual ghost, I decided to give up and pack the whole thing in for good.

That is, until I received an email from one Miriam Katz, a former journalist, comedian, and actor who has started her own podcast, “The Ex Appeal.”

Katz is on an episodic journey to uncover the “full story” by re-encountering relationships gone by. At the same time, I’m on a journey to understand why digital dating makes real intimacy impossible.

So, from her home in Los Angeles and my stuffy little loft apartment in Vilnius, Lithuania, we chatted about all things romance and how online dating is only getting harder.

Short-term online flings are messy

Katz started online dating during the pandemic. For the few years she was dating in cyberspace, she had a really positive experience. Maybe it was a different time back then.

For me, it’s been nearly impossible to meet anyone who wants the same thing as I do, and with the current “safety” mechanisms like blocking put in place, it adds a further level of insecurity.

“Will I be blocked?” I think as I talk to someone with whom I feel I have a meaningful connection.

Through her passion project, Katz is trying to get the full picture of old relationships, something you don’t often get with online dating.

“It's a project about closure, but it's also a project about understanding people we're supposed to be pitted against.”

It’s common to have short flings and conversations with people under the guise of “having experiences,” which can really screw you over if you’re not careful.

“Shorter dating experiences can mess you up, way more than longer ones, because you have to imagine what your life could be with that person,” Katz told Cybernews, “you’re not usually getting a full breakup.”

“There's maybe a single text, you're just not getting the story fleshed out. They feel like maybe they don't owe you that, so you can think about that person for a really long time because you feel like you didn't finish the relationship,” Katz told Cybernews.

The story feels incomplete when you’re blocked or ghosted, even if you were talking for months. But that’s the nature of online dating.

Tragic dating trends and AI-enabled intimacy

With common dating trends like “shrekking” and “thronging” ruining anyone's chance at a real-life relationship, it’s hard out here to find a real connection with someone.

Add artificial intelligence to the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. How do we know who we’re “connecting” with anymore?

“I think people use AI to chat,” Katz said while she shot me a worried look.

“I just can't imagine that. That would be terrible.”

I’ve encountered some obvious AI dating profiles. I’ve never swiped on them, as I can see that they’re ultimately fake. But I always wonder, who are we kidding? How are we supposed to know who we’re talking to?

“I think, knowing the truth actually, really, really helps so much more than, like you said, being blocked or ghosted. It's wild how frustrating that is.”

As we spoke, I started to understand that Katz’s podcast is the antithesis of the artificial glaze we see in highly curated Instagram posts and dating profiles.

It’s a real and raw account of intimacy, even though she met four interviewees through online dating.

“It does feel like it's an antidote to the black-and-white thinking of social media,” Katz said of her podcast. I totally believe in filling in a story.”

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